How to Stay Partners While You Become Parents
How to Stay Partners While You Become Parents
There’s a funny thing that can happen after you have a baby.
You spend months preparing to become parents.
Then the baby arrives and, without really meaning to, you become excellent co-managers of a tiny and extremely demanding new project.
You discuss feeds.
Naps.
Nappies.
Who’s doing bath time.
Who’s taking the 3am wake.
Whether the baby has pooped.
Why the baby hasn’t pooped.
Whether that noise was normal.
And somewhere in amongst all of that, the conversations you used to have with each other quietly disappear.
Not because anything is necessarily wrong.
But because there’s suddenly just so much admin.
Becoming good co-parents can accidentally turn you into colleagues
This is one of the stranger parts of new parenthood.
You can actually be working really well together and still feel less connected.
You’re sharing responsibilities.
Passing the baby back and forth.
Keeping the household functioning.
Technically, your teamwork is excellent.
But most of your communication sounds like:
“Did she feed?”
“Where’s the dummy?”
“Can you sterilise those bottles?”
“Can you do the next wake?”
Useful.
But not particularly romantic.
Your relationship becomes almost entirely functional.
And while good co-parenting matters, your friendship matters too.
You probably don’t need more “date nights”
This is where relationship advice for new parents becomes mildly irritating.
Make time for date night!
Great.
Who’s taking the baby?
Are we expressing milk?
What time does the baby need to sleep?
Are we paying a babysitter $30 an hour so we can sit in a restaurant and talk about how tired we are?
Date nights can be lovely.
But they’re not the only - or even necessarily the most realistic - way to stay connected when you have a baby.
Connection is often maintained through much smaller moments.
This is something relationship researcher and psychologist John Gottman has studied for decades. Gottman is well known for his research on what helps couples stay connected over time, including during the transition to parenthood, and one of his big messages is that strong relationships are built less on grand romantic gestures and more on the small, everyday ways partners stay emotionally connected.
Which brings us to one of his most useful ideas for new parents: bids for connection.
Notice the tiny bids
A “bid” is basically an attempt to get your partner’s attention, interest, affection or support.
It can be obvious:
“Can I have a cuddle?”
But usually it isn’t.
It might be:
“Look at this ridiculous thing the baby just did.”
“I had such a weird conversation with my mum today.”
“God, I’m exhausted.”
“Listen to this.”
Or even just making eye contact from across the room after the baby has finally gone to sleep.
Gottman describes healthy relationships as ones where partners regularly turn towards these little bids rather than consistently ignoring or dismissing them.
What’s helpful about bids is that they can help you build connection without you having to invest in hours of quality time … something most new parents don’t have time for.
Ten seconds still counts
Your partner says: “You won’t believe what happened at work.”
You’re holding a baby, making dinner and trying to remember if you put the washing on.
It’s completely understandable to want to say: “Not now.”
And sometimes “not now” is absolutely necessary.
But if “not now” becomes most of your interactions, you can slowly stop reaching for each other.
Turning towards your partner might be as small as:
“Tell me while I do this.”
“Give me five minutes and then I want to hear.”
“That sounds awful.”
Or simply putting your hand on their shoulder as you walk past.
You’re basically communicating: I still notice you … which matters.
Have one conversation a day that isn’t about the baby
Not a big relationship summit.
Just one conversation.
Ask:
“What happened at work today?”
“What are you looking forward to this weekend?”
“What did your sister say about that thing?”
“Have you seen what happened with…?”
The point is to stay interested in the parts of each other that existed before you became Mum and Dad.
John Gottman calls this maintaining your “love maps” - continuing to know what’s happening in your partner’s internal world.
Your partner is still a person.
So are you.
Don’t use every baby-free moment for admin
The baby finally sleeps.
One of you opens the calendar.
The other says:
“So, daycare…”
Necessary? Absolutely.
But if every quiet moment becomes a household planning meeting, your relationship never gets a turn.
Maybe try:
Some baby-free time is for logistics. Some is protected from logistics.
Even ten minutes.
You can discuss daycare tomorrow.
Tonight, maybe you watch something stupid together and eat chocolate.
Try not to save up all your resentment for 10pm
This is a particularly dangerous new-parent habit.
You spend the day feeling increasingly annoyed.
They didn’t empty the steriliser.
You did three naps.
They went to work and somehow drank an entire coffee while it was still hot.
By bedtime, you’ve built a detailed legal case.
Then, at 10.15pm, when both of you are exhausted you bring up: “We need to talk.”
Usually not ideal.
Instead, try smaller course corrections earlier.
“Can you take the next nap? I’m hitting a wall.”
“I’m starting to feel resentful that I’m managing all of this. Can we work out a better split?”
“I need you to notice the bottles rather than waiting for me to ask.”
Small problems are much easier to solve before they acquire six weeks of supporting evidence.
Be careful with scorekeeping
This one is hard because sometimes there is a genuinely unfair division of labour and it needs addressing.
But when both people are exhausted, the relationship can turn into:
I did three wakes.
Yes, but I worked all day.
I did bath time.
I cooked dinner.
I haven’t sat down since 6am.
Everyone starts collecting receipts.
The better question to ask isn’t: who’s done more?
It’s: are we both OK?
Because if one person’s drowning, it doesn't really matter if the workload’s mathematically fair.
Something needs adjusting.
Give compliments about things that aren’t parenting
This is surprisingly important.
After a baby, you might hear:
“You’re such a good mum.”
“You’re an amazing dad.”
Lovely.
But you’re also still the person your partner chose before either of you had any idea what brand of nappy cream you’d one day have strong opinions about.
Tell them:
“You looked really nice today.”
“You make me laugh.”
“I love talking to you.”
“You handled that work situation really well.”
“I miss hanging out with you.”
It helps keep the relationship from becoming entirely about your parental roles.
Don’t let affection become code for sex
Physical connection often changes dramatically after a baby.
For very understandable reasons.
If every cuddle feels like it might become an invitation for sex, the partner with lower desire can start avoiding affection altogether.
Make room for touch that’s just touch.
A hug in the kitchen.
A kiss goodbye.
Feet touching on the couch.
Holding hands on a walk.
Physical closeness can help maintain connection without either person having to wonder what’s being requested next.
Create a ridiculous little ritual
This is one of my favourite strategies because it doesn’t require childcare, money or organisation.
Choose something small that belongs to the two of you.
Have tea together after the baby goes down.
Watch one terrible show.
Send each other one ridiculous video during the day.
Sit outside for ten minutes after dinner.
Have Friday-night takeaway.
Do the Wordle together.
It almost doesn’t matter what it is.
The point is to have a tiny predictable moment where you’re partners rather than co-parents.
Remember: your partner is probably struggling too
This doesn’t mean ignoring behaviour that needs to change.
But it can help to remember that both of you are adapting.
Your partner may be missing you too.
They may feel pushed out.
Overwhelmed.
Unsure what you need.
Resentful.
Worried about getting things wrong.
Sometimes the most useful thing you can say is:
“This is really hard, isn't it?”
Not: “You’re making this hard.”
Things to try not to do
Try not to make every interaction transactional.
Try not to only raise problems when you’re already furious.
Try not to assume your partner should know what you need without being told.
Try not to criticise the way they do everything with the baby simply because it’s different from how you do it.
Try not to let affection disappear because sex is complicated right now.
And try not to wait until you have time for a proper date to reconnect … you might be waiting quite a while if you do.
Your relationship doesn’t need to look like it did before the baby
Wanting your relationship to look like it did pre-baby probably isn’t unrealistic.
You might have less spontaneity.
Less sex.
Less uninterrupted time.
More responsibility.
And conversations about bowel movements that neither of you could have imagined finding interesting five years ago.
The goal isn’t to recreate your old relationship.
It’s to make sure that while you are building your co-parenting relationship, you don’t completely lose the friendship underneath it.
Notice the small bids.
Turn towards each other when you can.
Keep talking about things that have nothing to do with the baby.
Say thank you.
Be affectionate.
Laugh.
And keep finding tiny ways to communicate: I know we're Mum and Dad now. But we’re also still us.
If any of this feels familiar, we’re here to help. Contact us to find out more about how we can support you.