When Your Baby Won’t Stop Crying … And You Feel Like You’re Failing

When Your Baby Won’t Stop Crying … And You Feel Like You’re Failing

There‘s something about the sound of your own baby crying that goes straight through you.

Not in a gentle, oh, they need me kind of way.

More in a my entire nervous system is now on fire and I need to fix this immediately kind of way.

You check the nappy.

Offer a feed.

Burp them.

Rock them.

Walk around the house.

Try the carrier.

Try the pram.

Try the dummy.

And still … they cry.

At some point, it’s very easy for your brain to make the leap from:

My baby is upset to I’m doing something wrong.

Crying is communication - but not every cry has a solution

Babies cry because it’s one of the main ways they communicate.

Sometimes the message is fairly obvious.

I’m hungry.

I’m tired.

I’m uncomfortable.

Please remove this wet nappy immediately.

And sometimes you respond to the need and the crying stops.

Lovely. Very satisfying. Gold star for everyone.

But sometimes you feed them, change them, cuddle them, check they’re not too hot or cold, try to help them sleep - and they’re still upset.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve missed something.

Sometimes babies cry when they’re overwhelmed, tired, overstimulated, uncomfortable, going through a developmental change or just having a hard time settling their little bodies.

And sometimes there isn’t a neat answer you can identify.

Sometimes they don’t need you to fix it

Think about the last time you were really upset.

Maybe you rang a friend and cried.

Did you necessarily want them to solve the problem?

Probably not.

Sometimes you just want someone to say:

That sounds awful.

And sit with you while you feel awful.

Babies obviously aren’t adults, but the basic idea’s still helpful.

Your baby doesn’t always need you to make the feeling disappear.

They just need you to hold them while they have the feeling.

To be warm.

Familiar.

Calm-ish.

There.

The crying may continue for a while.

That doesn’t mean the cuddle isn’t helping.

A baby crying in your arms isn’t the same as a baby crying alone

This distinction can be really reassuring.

If you’re holding your baby, talking softly to them, rocking them or simply staying close while they cry, you’re still responding.

You may not be able to stop the distress immediately, but you are helping them through it.

Over time, babies learn about safety and regulation through repeated experiences of having someone respond when they need comfort.

The goal isn’t necessarily: my baby never cries.

A more realistic goal is: when my baby’s having a hard time, they don’t have to have it on their own.

It’s incredibly hard not to take crying personally

Especially when it’s been going on for a while.

You start questioning everything.

Why can’t I settle my own baby?

They settle better for my partner.

Other people seem to know what their babies need.

Maybe my baby doesn’t like me.

None of those conclusions automatically follow from a baby crying.

Babies can cry intensely with the person they’re most comfortable with.

They can also settle differently for different people simply because those people smell different, hold them differently or don’t remind them quite so strongly that milk exists.

Your baby crying doesn’t mean they’re rejecting you.

There’s no secret settling technique everyone else knows

New parenthood can make it seem like there must be.

The right swaddle.

The right white noise.

The right bouncing technique.

The exact angle to hold them.

And sometimes one of those things really does work.

Until Wednesday.

Then it inexplicably never works again.

Babies aren’t vending machines where you insert the correct settling strategy and sleep comes out.

Sometimes you can do everything “right” and still have an unhappy baby.

That’s not a parenting failure.

Try changing the goal

When the crying won’t stop, instead of asking:

How do I make my baby stop crying?

try:

What does my baby need from me while they’re crying?

That might be:

A cuddle.

A feed.

Movement.

A dark room.

Fresh air.

A cure for boredom.

Or simply your body against theirs while you wait together for the storm to pass.

Thinking about it like that can take some of the pressure off both of you.

You’re not trying to force a particular outcome.

You’re just staying responsive.

And sometimes the person who needs settling is you

There comes a point where prolonged crying can make even the calmest parent feel completely overwhelmed.

Your shoulders tense.

Your heart races.

You start bouncing harder.

Your thoughts speed up.

Why won’t you stop?

That’s usually your cue to look after your own nervous system too.

If another safe adult is available, hand the baby over for ten minutes.

Step outside.

Drink some water.

Take a shower.

Put headphones in while someone else holds them.

If you’re alone and becoming overwhelmed, it is okay to place your baby safely in their cot and step away briefly while you reset.

Your baby being upset for a few minutes while you regain composure is safer than trying to push through when you feel completely flooded.

Some babies really do cry more

This is another important point.

Babies have different temperaments.

Some are relatively easy to settle.

Others are more sensitive, more reactive and seem to experience the world at full volume.

These babies often need more help regulating - at least for a while.

It’s not a parent thing.

It’s a temperament thing.

You’re allowed to find it hard

You can love your baby enormously and still find their crying unbearable.

You can be patient for 45 minutes and then suddenly feel like you can’t listen to one more second.

You can know intellectually that your baby isn’t doing it to you and still feel frustrated.

None of that makes you a bad parent.

It makes you a sleep-deprived human listening to one of the most biologically difficult sounds to ignore.

Sometimes “being there” is enough

There will be times when you solve the problem.

You feed them and they relax.

You pick them up and they instantly stop.

You get the timing exactly right and feel like some sort of baby whisperer.

And there will be times when nothing seems to work.

On those days, your job is to:

Hold them.

Stay close.

Talk to them.

Let them know they’re not alone.

You don’t have to stop every cry to be a responsive parent.

Sometimes the thing your baby needs most isn’t a solution.

It’s you, staying with them while the hard feeling passes.

If any of this feels familiar, we’re here to help. Contact us to find out more about how we can support you.