Why Are New Mums Treated Like They’re Neurotic?
There’s a slightly absurd thing that happens when you have a baby.
During pregnancy, you’re given approximately 4,000 pieces of advice about keeping this tiny person safe.
Wash your hands.
Avoid sick people.
Make sure vaccinations are up to date.
Follow safe sleep recommendations.
Watch for tired cues.
Don’t overstimulate them.
Protect them from infections while they’re little.
Then the baby arrives, you actually try to do some of those things, and suddenly someone says:
“Relax! Babies are tougher than you think.”
Or:
“You’re being a bit anxious.”
Or the classic:
“We never worried about any of that when you were a baby and you survived.”
Excellent.
So apparently you’re supposed to absorb all the advice … just not follow it?
New mums get put in an impossible position
There’s already so much uncertainty when you have your first baby.
You don’t yet know which things really matter, which things are flexible and which things you’ll eventually look back on and wonder why you ever cared about them.
So you listen to your obstetrician.
Your midwife.
The hospital.
Your GP.
The child and family health nurse.
And then you try to follow that advice and discover that the people around you have some surprisingly strong opinions about it.
“We’re keeping visitors limited until baby is a little older”
This is a perfectly reasonable thing to decide.
Newborn babies are more vulnerable to some infections, and illnesses such as whooping cough can be particularly serious in very young babies.
That doesn’t mean nobody can visit your baby until their first vaccinations.
Some families will happily have visitors from day one.
Others will limit visitors for the first few weeks.
Some will be particularly cautious if their baby was premature, has medical issues, or there are lots of respiratory illnesses circulating.
The point is that all of these decisions are reasonable.
What isn’t particularly helpful is making a new mum feel ridiculous because she’s decided she’d rather be cautious for a little while.
In case you need to hear it - you don’t have to maximise access to your newborn just to prove you’re relaxed.
“Can you wash your hands before you hold her?”
Also not weird.
Not offensive.
And not evidence you’ve developed an elaborate contamination phobia.
Hand hygiene is one of the most basic ways of reducing the spread of infections.
And yet asking someone to wash their hands before handling a newborn can somehow make a new mum feel like she’s requested a full surgical scrub.
You can ask.
You don’t have to apologise for it.
And if someone’s sick, it’s completely reasonable to ask them to visit another time.
“Please don’t kiss the baby”
Another one that can cause surprisingly big feelings.
For lots of parents, particularly in the newborn period, limiting kissing is a way to reduce exposure to infection.
Grandparents may feel disappointed.
Relatives may think you’re overdoing it.
Someone might remind you that they kissed all their babies and everyone survived.
The’re allowed to be disappointed.
But you’re also still allowed to say no.
A boundary isn’t unreasonable just because someone else doesn’t like it.
“I think we’re going to head home”
This one gets interpreted as anxiety all the time.
You’ve been out for five hours.
The baby has been passed around.
They’ve fed in a completely different environment.
Their nap consisted of twelve minutes in somebody’s arms while six adults talked over the top of them.
You can see them becoming increasingly glassy-eyed and unhappy.
And you say:
“I think we’ve probably had enough. We’re going to head home.”
Cue:
“Oh, they’re fine!”
“They need to get used to noise!”
“You can’t organise your whole life around the baby!”
Maybe.
Or maybe you know your baby.
Babies differ in how much stimulation they tolerate.
Taking your baby home because they’ve had enough isn’t automatically anxious parenting.
Sometimes everyone has simply had enough.
Including Mum.
And honestly, that’s also a valid reason to leave.
“She needs a nap”
This can be another surprisingly controversial statement.
You’ve noticed your baby’s gone quiet.
They’re staring into the distance.
They’ve started rubbing their face.
You know that if you leave it another hour, the evening will involve an overtired baby and you pacing the hallway wondering why you made the decision to keep baby awake.
So you say it’s time for her nap.
Someone else says:
“But she’s happy!”
Or:
“She’ll sleep when she’s tired.”
Perhaps she will.
But you know your baby best and you’re allowed to respond to the cues you’ve learned from her.
You’re the person living with your baby, so you get to decide.
“I don’t want him passed around anymore”
You’re also allowed to decide your baby’s had enough cuddles from other people.
Sometimes babies are perfectly happy being passed from person to person.
Sometimes they aren’t.
Sometimes you aren’t.
Your baby isn’t a communal object that everyone’s entitled to hold because they’ve been waiting to meet them.
You can say:
“He’s getting a bit overwhelmed, I’m going to keep him with me for a while.”
No detailed defence required.
And yes, sometimes anxiety is involved
This is where the conversation needs a little nuance.
New parenthood can make people anxious.
Postnatal anxiety is real.
And sometimes anxiety can lead to strict, rigid rules.
To you avoiding all outings, being unable to let anyone else hold or care for the baby, repeatedly checking for illness, or feeling unable to relax even when your baby is safe.
That deserves support.
But not every cautious decision is pathological anxiety.
Asking someone to wash their hands isn’t automatically anxiety.
Wanting sick visitors to stay away isn’t automatically anxiety.
Going home because your baby’s had enough isn’t automatically anxiety.
Following safe-sleep guidance isn’t anxiety.
Wanting your partner to install the car seat correctly definitely isn’t anxiety.
Sometimes you're just following the advice.
There’s also a gendered bit to this that can feel particularly unfair
A mother who says:
“I think she's tired - we should go”
can be described as anxious.
A father saying:
“She's tired, we're heading off”
is often treated like a hero for being such an attentive, “hands on” parent.
Mums can find themselves having their judgement questioned in a way that’s deeply frustrating, particularly when they’re simultaneously expected to carry most of the responsibility for baby's health, sleep, feeding and wellbeing.
If something goes wrong, Mum should have known.
If Mum tries to prevent something going wrong, she's worrying too much.
Not exactly an easy standard to meet.
You’re allowed to make decisions other people wouldn't make
This’s probably the most useful shift.
You don’t have to prove your decisions are objectively correct.
Maybe your sister let visitors come immediately and you don't want to.
Maybe your friend happily takes her baby everywhere and yours gets overwhelmed after two hours.
Maybe another family's baby sleeps anywhere and yours absolutely does not.
You can make different decisions.
Parenting isn’t a group vote.
Try asking yourself one question
When someone implies you're being overprotective, pause before you second-guess yourself.
Ask yourself:
Is this decision coming from useful information and what I know about my baby … or is anxiety making my world smaller than I want it to be?
If it’s the first option, you probably don't need to change anything just because someone rolled their eyes.
If it’s the second one, that doesn't necessarily mean you've done anything wrong either.
But it might be worth getting some support so anxiety doesn't get to make all the decisions.
You don't need to prove you're a “chill mum”
There’s no prize for the most “chill” mum.
You don’t have to let people visit earlier than you want.
You don’t have to keep your baby out when they've had enough.
You don’t have to ignore hygiene advice to avoid seeming uptight.
You don’t have to override your own judgement because somebody else raised babies thirty years ago and has opinions.
You know your baby best.
Trust yourself to make decisions.